Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Randomize
