nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
I mean, she is a dancer for the Suns. If I didnt fuck her that would just be bad team spirit.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
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