you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
