Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
You left your underwear on the fireplace
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
Randomize
