I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
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