Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
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