shes hot in the i'd deny it if anyone asked kinda way
put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
Randomize
