I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
Pi�atas plus fireworks don't mix well
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
ok first of all what the fuck
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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