I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
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