True but thats because hes a fetus.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
