went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
They left me at home... I'm a liability
If he isn’t into CosPlay he will be after tonight. That naughty nurse outfit heals broken hearts
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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