I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
Randomize
