I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
Randomize
