found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
