I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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