My liver just broke up with me...
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
I got inside last night via doggy door
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
Randomize
