it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Dunno yet. Probably just gonna play the s.t.d. russian roulette game with random bartenders at the beach again. Same 'ol same 'ol
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
