I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
Randomize
