the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
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