Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
he just quoted gucci mane to try and get me to give him head.
Don't EVER smell your tampon
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
Randomize
