What do you think she thinks of us?
I think she thinks we're whores... but ya I think she likes us
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
Randomize
