dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
tell me about the eggs
Randomize
