I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
So on facebook, the pictures from my church mission trip are right up next to the pictures of my first time on E. Sorry Jesus.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
Randomize
