i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
Randomize
