I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
Randomize
