I think i peed on brittanys purse
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
