Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
Randomize
