Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
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