You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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