apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
Kind of a slow process. Played 9 holes with her yesterday. Wish one of them was hers
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
Randomize
