I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Randomize
