You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Randomize
