I skipped work to stalk him.
I am spending my child support on dildos
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
