you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
Randomize
