The best feeling....farting and having the bubble hit your balls
I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
People with herpes should wear stickers.
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Randomize
