and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
