When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize
