I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
Randomize
