she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
Randomize
