And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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