I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
