so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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