Joe is yelling at the trees again.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
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