Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
Randomize
