I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
We need to feng shui this bitch.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
