god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
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