Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
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