Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
Randomize
