Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Everyone says I win the strip club
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
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