I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
and next time when you feel me up, do it right
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
Randomize
